Dear Penelope Lorraine: Pregnancy Journal

I have had some of the weirdest dreams since I've been pregnant. The first super-strange dream I remember having was during my first trimester before we even knew that you were going to be a girl. In my dream, you had been born and for some reason your dad and I were living with my parents. (That was a scary thought!) It was our first time to be alone with you and neither of us could remember your name! I put you in your crib - which was this horrid yellow thing made out of tree branches and painted - and got on the internet to look at my mom's facebook page to find your name. It was Lily.

Last week I had a dream that I went into labor and your dad took me to the delivery van. Yes, a van. We checked in and then got in the back of this big Chevy van that had a mattress and hospital equipment and that was where my doctor met us to deliver you!

Last night I had a dream that I rarely saw you after you were born. For some reason in this dream I was working two jobs and was almost never home. Your dad stayed home with you and took care of you and I knew I was a horrible mother but I didn't know what to do about it! I was ashamed and tried not to let anyone know that I didn't know how to do anything - for instance, I had no idea how your car seat worked. It was terrible!

I suppose all of these dreams stem from anxiety - from fear of the unknown. I have almost no baby experience! Babies weren't every very exciting to me until I found out you were on the way. But until now I haven't really been a big "baby lover." I want to be a good mom for you! I am reading everything I can get my hands on to get ready. So far I have read "What to Expect When You're Expecting," "You Having a Baby," "A Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy, " and countless magazine and internet articles. I have also started "What To Expect the First Year" and "Eat, Sleep, Poop" which is another first year book. In some ways I'm afraid I might not be good at taking care of a baby. In other ways, I know God will give me the gift of motherly instinct and allow me to have the connection with you that will help me know what you need and when you need it.

Today is my first day of the 3rd trimester! I have asked my own mother lots of questions about what her pregnancies were like - they say that your pregnancy is often quite similar to pregnancies your mother had. For me, the first trimester was no fun. I was nauseous almost all the time. I was very sensitive to all smells. (Emptying the dishwasher almost always made me gag! And those were the clean dishes!) I was really tired all the time - I often went to bed at 8:00 or 8:30. Almost everything made me gag. And almost no food tasted good. I practically lived on peanut butter toast and chocolate milk, because they were the only things that didn't upset my stomach!

The second trimester has been wonderful! Food is delicious again and I'm really hungry almost all of the time! I have tried to eat a somewhat healthy diet. I have craved a lot of fruit, which is good I suppose. Cereal is another thing I can't get enough of. I keep at least eight different kinds in the pantry. Feeling you nudge me and move inside of me is so exciting. From what I hear, I may not feel that way in a few weeks or so when you start making me extremely uncomfortable. But for now, I always get excited when you start kicking and moving. I felt the first little flutters of your movement around 16 weeks - which is actually a little early. But I have been very in tune with my body and I waited every time I was sitting still to feel those little movements. By 20 weeks I could feel you kick and turn. Now at 28 weeks I feel you all the time!

My belly is really sticking out. I get so many comments about how "big" or "huge" I am. People even assume that I could go into labor any day now. I don't think I look quite that big, but I carry you way out in front. I haven't changed much anywhere else - the rest of my body is almost exactly like it was before I was pregnant. In fact, a couple of days ago someone said that from the back I didn't even look pregnant. (Yay!) But I love how I look pregnant and am really trying to enjoy every moment of it - even those moments when I can't reach something that I used to be able to reach with ease.

I can't wait to meet you and kiss you and hold you. I pray for you every day. I already know how special you are and that you are God's creation. I can't wait to see what His plan is for you!

Me at 18 weeks - this was a terrible cell phone photo I sent to your dad while he was out of town for work.